Pre-Sharp See Flat

How I Spent Saturday Night
You'd think Wolfgang Peterson, the man who created the greatest underwater-boat movie of all-time (Das Boot) and a pretty decent big-wave-hits-boat movie (The Perfect Storm) could at least hit the middle ground with a movie about a boat that ends up underwater after getting hit by a big wave and make said movie, well, good. And yet, he brings us Poseidon.

Then again, his last film was Troy so perhaps my hopes were unreasonably high from the get-go.

This movie had everything going for it: Peterson, a big wave hitting stuff, Kurt Russell in what I presumed was an 'action role' and a budget big enough to bring out the best in everything. But alas, all we get is Russell acting his age (old) and 84 minutes (at over $2 million a minute) of ridiculously weak drivel. Presumably little of that cash was spent on development. If you've seen any cheesy big budget Hollywood movie before, you've already seen Poseidon. The father character pulls a sneaky move to sacrifice his own life to save the day instead of his daughter's volunteering fiancee (Willis/Affleck in Armageddon) and the kid survives not only 'against all odds' but against all logic (every movie ever, particularly those by Steven Spielberg). The token black guy dies early, as do the token hispanic characters, while the old gay white guy lives (this was a new one, but will probably be a staple plot element by 2010). And in the most laughable deus ex machina I've seen in years, the survivors jump out into the sea for no good reason instead of staying on the unsubmerged part of the boat until (a) it goes down for good or (b) rescue arrives, only to be bailed out of this remarkably stupid decision by a lifeboat that floats by, having inflated itself and come from nowhere. The ship, remember, is UPSIDE DOWN AND 95% UNDERWATER. Who exactly is supposed to have pumped it up underwater and deployed it so it could float up, right way up, not even bogged down by the water you'd expect to be inside it if you can believe it could have floated to the surface bottom-down anyway.

Other highlights include:
- The barebones character set-up in an act one that lasts for all of 10 minutes and tells us not a single word more than is needed to add some rivalry between the Russell and Josh Lucas characters and establish how various people are related to one another in the hopes that the audiences will consequently care for them (instead it simply exposes the tenuous nature of their coincidentally finding each other).
- The bit where the wave hits and the chaos inside the ship is shown in a tight-angle quick-cut sequence resembling something you'd expect on a shoestring budget without showing anything more than flashing lights and shaky camerwork.
- Fergie dies. I mean the Black Eyes Peas idiot, not the other one. Whoops, I forgot these highlights weren't supposed to be ACTUAL highlights. This part brought a genuine smile to my face after having to sit through her singing for no good reason (seriously) for maybe 3 of the first 10 minutes of the movie. What the hell??? Anyways, yay, dead.
- The best "highlight" of all. The kid runs off for no apparent reason when nobody's looking in one of those "Wait - where's X?" scenes you've scene a million times. The next bit you have to see to believe. It's as though they just lift the dialogue straight from the scene description.

INT. YET ANOTHER RANDOM FLOODED ROOM - NEXT

SCREECHING WOMAN finds OBLIGATORY KID - he is INEXPLICABLY TRAPPED inside SOME CAGE THING for no logical reason. He can not get out.

SCREECHING WOMAN
Ohmygodwtfbbq there you are, or something.

OBLIGATORY KID
(literally says this)
I don't know how I got in here. I can't get out.

You don't know how you got in there? Eh? Neither do the screenwriters, kid, neither do the screenwriters. And that's assuming there WERE actual screenwriters and they didn't just dump actors in rooms of water and film them, which might actually provide at least some clue as to how the abomination that is Poseidon came about. Oh and then after the water appears to drown Obligatory Kid, Josh Lucas (you know, star of the KFC movie and the 'leading man' they hire when no one else will take a role) suddenly emerges having saved him somehow. At this point my eyes rolled around in my head so far they detached from their sockets and began rolling around the floor. Doing that on their own saved me some effort for the next 15 minutes, and as an added bonus it meant I couldn't watch Poseidon anymore.

How I Spent Last Monday
Running short of time before class, so I'll have to cut this briefer than I'd hoped after taking some detailed notes on the night. Last week was the annual 15 Minutes Of Fame festival showcasing the best and presumably worst in student filmmaking from aspiring Aucklland Uni-based directors. I missed Tuesday when something came up and thwarted my plans (damn, missed The Deepest Spoon The Drawer after working on it). From what I did see, only one film actually seemed like it could stand alone as a quality short (content-wise) outside of the context of the competiton (Sunday, which to steal from its synopsis is "a drama involving a man and his son having a psychological battle over a gym workout session). The rest? Some had their moments. One Day Of Kitty was brilliant for all of 2 minutes before the director proved what a fluke it was and that they had no idea what they were onto when the joke went on forever. It needed a sharp chop early on to maintain its randomness, rather than adhere to a distinct, a drawn-out "day in the life" form.

Dennis chipped in with a cool fight-oriented piece called You Broke My Camera! showing, as expected, the rest how editing should be done, which was followed by Jusdice, an "uh-huh" afterthought of a film but more enjoyable for its randomness than the incompetent attempts at serious drama that littered the programme. Well done to Random Screaming Lady for some excellent screaming in Ultra Violent. At least there was one positive about the film.

Overall? I may not have been a very active filmmaker this past year, but the evening told me I hadn't exactly lost any ground for it. Oh and people need to see some films shot in the 70s and stop imitating TV shows, and then if they HAVE TO apply those MTV elements to the root cinematic techniques that underly them, or else you aren't really understanding why you're doing what you're doing. Or at least come up with one storyboard frame somewhere somehow at some point before calling "action." Please. Seriously.

How I'm Spending Tonight
Attending the premiere of Jack Woon's Bollywood feature Be Sharp See Flat. Awesomeness. Looking forward to doing a review tomorrow ;)

Apologies for all the spelling errors, didn't put this through Word first like usual.

Hahahahaha

It's Here...

















OMG You can "OWN IT NOW ON DVD"!!!

"Really. Just don't even bother with this one. I was open to a no/low budget film, but this was sad... there was no production value beyond the fake fangs occasionally used and I'm pretty sure they had to share one set amongst the cast... this is the first film I've seen that there is not a single stick of furniture, carpet, nothing on the walls, nothing."
- Disgruntled Amazon Customer.

Or rather, Stupid Amazon Customer. The rest of already knew not to bother with this one.

Guns N' Roses

The Blog Is Back
On a whim. And the Tagboard Spam is gone. For now. It just keeps piling up. Help?

Chinese Democracy
It's been nine or ten years in the making, but it seems that not only may Chinese Democracy actually exist after all, but it could in fact be released on November 21. This year. (Read more here if you don't know the story).















GNR: The hair… metal.

Guns N' Roses aren't exactly the same band they were back in 1991 when they last put out a record (mostly) consisting of original material. At the moment its Axl on vocals and Dizzy Reed on piano and keyboard, no change there, accompanied by the guy who replaced the guy who replaced Gilby Clarke who replaced Izzy Stradlin on rhythm guitar, Robin Finck (Nine Inch Nails) and "Bumblefoot" (who replaced, would you believe, "Buckethead") in place of Slash (two men needed to do Slash's job? Sounds about right really), "Brain" on drums - having replaced the guy who himself replaced Matt Sorum, plus let's not forget the guy who replaced Duff McKagan on bass (the most notable "new" member, Tommy Stinson of The Replacements fame) and... the addition of a second keyboardist. No, really.

So that makes, what, eight(?) guys to do the job once done by five. But shouldn't we give them a chance? After all the chopping and changing, surely Axl Kubrick wouldn't have settled for anything less than the perfect combination? Well, yes and no. On the one hand, by all reports the band's been lighting the stage on fire this year with Finck nailing Slash's sound on the band’s classics and Axl, incredibly, sounding as good as ever despite the fact he still seems like he must be tearing his vocal chords apart every time he hits one of those gravelly high notes. But the "no" part is that when you consider this is essentially a karaoke outfit; Axl leading a tribute band. That is, until/unless Chinese Democracy allows the new boys to stamp their own names as having been a part of actually achieving something under the GNR banner, other than "still attracting a crowd."














Velvet Revolver, whose GNR members still resemble themselves...

So what has the band lost in losing the majority of its members from the glory days? If Velvet Revolver's anything to go by, not a lot. Slash, McKagan and Sorum proved themselves unable to capture anything resembling their GNR magic with Scott Weiland leading the way on 2004's Contraband. Perhaps they need Axl more than he needs them, with only the screeching-one capable of lighting the necessary melodic spark to get the fire burning? Well it's true that Axl's contributions to the band's best efforts have often been overshadowed by, say, Slash's solos, and understandably so. But it doesn't mean he doesn't need these guys back just as badly. A big potential stumbling block in my eyes lies in Axl's perfectionism itself.

With all the changes he's made it seems he's probably been looking not only for creative minds and competent songwriters (ever wonder why Gilby Clarke was fired? Good luck, Supernova) but people who'll go along with what he wants to do. The thing about Guns N' Roses was that in being a great band their split was inevitable. The only question was going to be whether they'd get back together some day (and obviously they haven't). The conflict within the group, generally between Insert Band Member Here and Axl of course, helped carve their sound in a way that wasn't possible in a band of yes-men. It wasn't entirely Axl-centric, even if Axl was. Listening to the few tracks confirmed (according to Wikipedia) as being on Chinese Democracy, it becomes obvious where the new line-up's deficiencies lie. The one common factor in it all is that it seems like they're all just nodding and following Axl's instructions, with the unique flavours added by Slash and co. lost in favour of simply replicating superficial aspects of their sound.




















... and Axl Rose, who doesn't.

The first thing you notice about I.R.S. is that Axl still sounds the same. It's almost eerie to hear him again given how long it's been since the last Roses recordings. After that, there are several things that you'll notice. The lyrics are both (a) in the GNR vein, and (b) pretty crap. But the music sounds good, and if the lyrics are bad it helps that you can barely decipher them anyway. But the warning bells are ringing.

For one thing, this song starts with electronic drum machine bullshit. It ditches it, then it comes back in a couple of times during the song. And ends with it. When GNR split up it was apparently over Axl's desire for a new "direction" - a shift toward a more industrial-rock sound (Finck's inclusion makes a lot of sense) that no one else in the band wanted. Well, however that's changed over the years (and its still present in some of the new material) I can say that if the new GNR is headed in the same artificial music / sound effects direction that saw bands like the Smashing Pumpkins bow out with a whimper in their last few years then Chinese Democracy really might not be worth a decade's wait.

I said that was just one of the main problems with the sound of this song. The other is that, despite the fact I.R.S. sounds like the band's best chance of a hit single from the new (confirmed) material, is that which I alluded to earlier. Finck playing Slash only works so far as imitation and I'm not yet sold that he and his co-conspirator (that Bumblefoot guy) can bring the creative goods beyond technical brilliance, and while the song has its moments of glory (with a solo almost entering Radiohead's The Bends territory in both sound and quality), it highlights what the band lost when Sorum and McKagan left. The rhythm section that drove Axl's ideas to such rollicking heights in execution as on songs like Welcome To The Jungle and You Could Be Mine (a song which this new stuff has finally allowed me to appreciate), tracks that take the listener on a journey of sheer momentum, here merely does an "adequate job" but ultimately leaves much of the new material sounding sluggish by comparison to the GNR of old. Given this version of the song emerged as early as 2003 via... Mike Piazza... yes... perhaps Axl's improved it a little. But I doubt it. The good news anyway is that is IS GNR quality, even for all of its deficiencies. It's just that its hardly "groundbreaking", and if he's not breaking any new ground then why change a winning formula, unless of course the new guys - like all the failed GNR imitators over the years - simply can't do the same job the originals did back in the day.




















Obligatory picture of Slash with a guitar

One thing Axl hasn't changed is his desire to create those 5-6 minute "epics". The problem here though is that T.W.A.T. (There Was A Time), The Blues and Madagascar are likely to all end up on the same album. I'm not yet convinced there's room for more than one or two of them, even though Axl hasn’t lost his spark and they probably represent the strongest area of the new GNR material. There Was A Time is incredible, a tie for first among the new songs alongside Catcher In The Rye. It's on songs like this that you can forget for a moment who's missing from the band's roll call because, let's face it, no one does these songs like Axl Rose, the man behind November Rain (the closest anyone's ever gotten to the rock brilliance of Stairway To Heaven). He hasn't lost his touch with these kinds of songs at all which is great to hear. But like I say, even if you slot The Blues in near the tail-end (where it belongs to avoid stuttering the album's momentum) and There Was A Time in there somewhere, having Madagascar in there as well almost seems like a few too many self-indulgent pauses in a series of hard-rock songs. And all three songs are superb with the best solos of the new stuff by a mile (ie. you won't even miss Slash). I'll have to see how it plays out of course, and maybe I'll be proven wrong. I hope so.

Better and, in particular, title track Chinese Democracy, are hard-rocking songs that make for solid album tracks. Chinese Democracy is what it is, an industrial-rock hard-hitter, and it’s decent. On the other hand Better is more along the typical GNR lines but suffers from a weak chorus and exemplifies what I was saying about the rhythm section earlier. Without Sorum's drumming and Duff McKagan’s basslines the song sort of chugs along without that explosive energy that drove so many GNR classics. Instead, any energy’s confined to spurts of guitar distortion and a quality solo (3:40).











Axl and the Tribute Band. I assume the other 12 went home early.

Catcher In The Rye is the most promising glimpse though that maybe Guns N' Roses have life left in them yet. This one, inspired by the murder of John Lennon, would work wonders as an album closer and rides on a superb bouncing-rhythm throughout to rank among the best rock material any version of GNR has ever produced. That they can do a song of this quality outside of Axl's "epics" is a good sign indeed. One version of this song reportedly features Brian May on guitar, and while he probably won't make the album cut given that the album's been re-recorded several dozen times each year for a decade, it gives you an idea of the sound. This song would have been among the highlights of any of the past GNR albums if it'd been done back in the day. Seriously. I bet Axl wishes he'd come up with it before he closed Use Your Illusion II with the what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking "My World" at the very least.

Overall, I'm not blown away. But my hopes haven't dwindled either. I think Chinese Democracy will inevitably fall short of the immense expectations built up by ten years of rumours and hype, which basically demand the greatest rock album ever, but the new incarnation of the band is showing plenty of promise and the glimpses of the old magic are enough to suggest that maybe the rest of the album could actually live up to, at the very least, the Use Your Illusion albums, if probably not Appetite For Destruction. But there's still something missing in most of the rock-radio material, and I hope there's still some good old-fashioned fast-paced rockers like the ones that brought GNR to fame in the old days, assuming the new guys can actually pull it off instead of just sounding like every other band like they do at times on stuff like Better. If the rest of the album's at the same level of quality as these tracks, it'll be worth checking out. If it's better, it could be a stunner. But if these are the highlight's I think I might walk away a little disappointed.

That said, it's unfair to judge songs before their final finished forms have been determined and many of the cuts I've been assessing are from unidentified sessions that could date back as early as 2001/2 in some cases (though I understand some are likely from the past year). So, as always, only time will tell if Guns N Roses can set the world on fire for a second time. Hopefully that time will actually come on November 21, because the album was already promised to be released in late 1999, April 2002 and March 2003 by Axl himself within months of those dates rolling around and, of course, nothing ever emerged.












Potential hits:
I.R.S., Better, Catcher In The Rye, There Was A Time
Highlights:
Catcher In The Rye, There Was A Time, The Blues
Meh:
Madagascar (but the recording quality was poor and it's a great song according to people who’ve seen it live)

What I hope these tracks will be joined by:
A cover on par with Knockin’ On The Heaven’s Door & Since I Don’t Have You
- To prove the new guys can spice up other people’s material the way GNR used to do so brilliantly.

An original on par with Sweet Child O’ Mine
- Axl’s had a dozen years to come up with one.

An acoustic gem like Patience or a slow-rocker like Don’t Cry
- Izzy Stradlin’s been touring with them on and off, here’s hoping they let him in the studio to show 'em how it's done.

A whole bunch of fast-paced rocking songs like You Could Be Mine or the classic anthem Paradise City
- Because a lot of the new stuff plods too much.

Verdict:
For now? Waiting patiently & hopefully. Wondering why I.R.S., Better and T.W.A.T. need the stupid artificial drum intros. Hoping this isn't one of those albums where they choose to include filler over stuff like Catcher In The Rye just to make me hate them. It's happens so often with so many bands.