Movies That Suck
There's nothing quite like wasting two hours of your life watching a film that never should have been made. In honour of these experiences, here's my list of the Top 10 Worst Movies of 2005. Please steer clear of these movies or, if you've seen them and liked them, please steer clear of me because I may feel the need to hit you. Repeatedly.
10. Fantastic Four
One of the dumbest movies of the year. It has its moments such as the bar scene where The Thing meets that blind woman, but these are largely overshadowed by things like the retarded poses the lead characters are all "frozen" in as they are taken over by whatever-the-hell-that-red-shit-is and turned into morphing mutant superheroes. Strangely though, it's actually quite a fun movie for all its stupidity and I... shock, horror.... actually almost half-enjoyed it overall simply because it was refreshing to see something so unashamedly cheesy, so filled with hammy-dialogue and wooden acting and so damn illogical. As such, I was uber-generous and gave it a just below average but very soft C-, or 2/5. This is based on my overall feeling of it more than anything, and I'll avoid seeing it again just to save it getting the D+ it no doubt really deserves.
9. The Skeleton Key
Urgh. This is a movie that feels like its constantly building up to something only for nothing to happen. The twist is rubbish, in fact it feels like a "spooky" ending to a campfire ghost story designed to send a chill down the spine of a six-to-eight year-old. I mean, I'm obviously focusing on the negative here because a D+ or 1.5/5 movie tends to be filled with negative things to say about it, but I suppose there are moments of intrigue, the cast performs adequately and it at least tries something different in terms of its subject matter - voodoo as opposed to just some inexplicable ghost-conjuring curse like most supernatural thrillers these days.
8. White Noise
In many ways White Noise really isn't that bad. It's just that it's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really boring. To get an idea of how boring without having to watch it, re-read the previous sentence at a slow pace. Then multiply that by three. It has a decent enough premise, it's a little spooky at times, Michael Keaton is adequate in his role, but the writers are very unimaginative and the ending is horrendous. Another D+ or 1.5/5.
7. XXX: State Of The Union
Remember what I said about Fantasic Four being dumb? Basically this movie is even dumber, and even less fun. Ice Cube plays a pudgy guy who you just know could never pull of those stunts in reality (they could have at least hired someone in the Vin Diesel mould) and who escapes danger not by outsmarting his opponents or out-gunning them for that matter but due to luck, like when the bullets happen to miss him when he's swimming away from a boat he just trashed or something (I forget what happened, too busy at the time trying to remind myself what logic was like as by this stage I hadn't seen any for at least half an hour). A hero who gets by on luck? What the fuck were they thinking? If the climax is anything to go by, they weren't. D or 1/5.
6. The Devil's Rejects
Horror fans seem to love this movie and even the critics were quite kind considering the genre. I'll give it credit for three things; the first thing being its interesting approach in treating the disgusting antagonists as people the audience should care for, the second being that I feel like making a splatter-horror now just because it would be fun, and the third being that it was the only movie of the year disgusting enough to make me feel like walking out of the theatre. D or 1/5.
5. Constantine
Constantine is, incredibly, even more boring than White Noise. Keanu Reeves gives perhaps his worst performance since the terrible second Bill & Ted movie and the ever-solid Rachel Weisz seems to appear for the sole purpose of making the audience wonder why she would stoop to such a crap calibre of cinema (thankfully she also did The Constant Gardener this year). There were some very interesting visuals, I'll give the director that much, but he needs to work on having some worthy material to apply them to or else they're just wasted. Another D or 1/5.
4. The Longest Yard
I'm an Adam Sandler fan. Ever since The Waterboy I've thought all but one of his movies has been at the very least worth watching (the exception being Little Nicky) with the exceptional romantic comedy 50 First Dates being my favourite of the bunch (aside from Punch Drunk Love which isn't what I mean by an "Adam Sandler movie"). But The Longest Yard is almost as bad as Little Nicky and while it doesn't reach that film's lows this is one remake they never should have touched. It's poorly written, rarely all that funny and just never takes flight. An extreme disappointment which, once again, earns just a D or 1/5.
3. Madagascar
What the hell was that?! Those were the words on the tip of my tongue as I left the theatre, wondering exactly where the story was and if anyone could actuallywatch this movie and give a crap for what happened (if anything did indeed happen). There is no story structure beyond a beginning. It's basically: set-up, followed by stuff happening with no real degree of importance, and then it finishes with the unrelated message that its better to eat fish than be a cannibal, because even though every single other animal is able to talk, fish - conveniently - are dumb and so the writers can overcome the idea that the lead character, who is a lion, is eating animals of the same species of his friends. D- or 0.5/5.
2. The Ring Two
This movie is an incomprehensible mess. The first one was one of the finest of its genre and was genuinely scary in places without having to resort to the usual jump-scare cheap thrill rubbish of movies like The Grudge, rather creating its terror through tension and atmosphere. This time you see the shock-moment of the first movie where Samara exits the TV once again... did I say once? I meant at least three times. It's like watching fat Uncle Bob sitting on the couch repeating the same joke that made people laugh originally at every opportunity he gets, unable to grasp the idea that it's only funny the first time. It JUST ISN'T FUCKING SCARY ANYMORE WHEN YOU OVERDO IT YOU LAZY, UNIMAGINATIVE MORONS. Basically, The Ring Two is like making a sequel to Pulp Fiction where they act out the Royale-With-Cheese conversation six times and in which the main plot is driven by the assumption that goats are made of lettuce. That pretty much sums it up. F. 0 out of 5. And it deserves every pixel used to construct that 0.
1. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
I have no idea what this movie was about. All I know is that it was terrible. Really, really terrible. F. 0 out of 5. Worst movie of the year. Possibly ever.
10. Fantastic Four
One of the dumbest movies of the year. It has its moments such as the bar scene where The Thing meets that blind woman, but these are largely overshadowed by things like the retarded poses the lead characters are all "frozen" in as they are taken over by whatever-the-hell-that-red-shit-is and turned into morphing mutant superheroes. Strangely though, it's actually quite a fun movie for all its stupidity and I... shock, horror.... actually almost half-enjoyed it overall simply because it was refreshing to see something so unashamedly cheesy, so filled with hammy-dialogue and wooden acting and so damn illogical. As such, I was uber-generous and gave it a just below average but very soft C-, or 2/5. This is based on my overall feeling of it more than anything, and I'll avoid seeing it again just to save it getting the D+ it no doubt really deserves.
9. The Skeleton Key
Urgh. This is a movie that feels like its constantly building up to something only for nothing to happen. The twist is rubbish, in fact it feels like a "spooky" ending to a campfire ghost story designed to send a chill down the spine of a six-to-eight year-old. I mean, I'm obviously focusing on the negative here because a D+ or 1.5/5 movie tends to be filled with negative things to say about it, but I suppose there are moments of intrigue, the cast performs adequately and it at least tries something different in terms of its subject matter - voodoo as opposed to just some inexplicable ghost-conjuring curse like most supernatural thrillers these days.
8. White Noise
In many ways White Noise really isn't that bad. It's just that it's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really boring. To get an idea of how boring without having to watch it, re-read the previous sentence at a slow pace. Then multiply that by three. It has a decent enough premise, it's a little spooky at times, Michael Keaton is adequate in his role, but the writers are very unimaginative and the ending is horrendous. Another D+ or 1.5/5.
7. XXX: State Of The Union
Remember what I said about Fantasic Four being dumb? Basically this movie is even dumber, and even less fun. Ice Cube plays a pudgy guy who you just know could never pull of those stunts in reality (they could have at least hired someone in the Vin Diesel mould) and who escapes danger not by outsmarting his opponents or out-gunning them for that matter but due to luck, like when the bullets happen to miss him when he's swimming away from a boat he just trashed or something (I forget what happened, too busy at the time trying to remind myself what logic was like as by this stage I hadn't seen any for at least half an hour). A hero who gets by on luck? What the fuck were they thinking? If the climax is anything to go by, they weren't. D or 1/5.
6. The Devil's Rejects
Horror fans seem to love this movie and even the critics were quite kind considering the genre. I'll give it credit for three things; the first thing being its interesting approach in treating the disgusting antagonists as people the audience should care for, the second being that I feel like making a splatter-horror now just because it would be fun, and the third being that it was the only movie of the year disgusting enough to make me feel like walking out of the theatre. D or 1/5.
5. Constantine
Constantine is, incredibly, even more boring than White Noise. Keanu Reeves gives perhaps his worst performance since the terrible second Bill & Ted movie and the ever-solid Rachel Weisz seems to appear for the sole purpose of making the audience wonder why she would stoop to such a crap calibre of cinema (thankfully she also did The Constant Gardener this year). There were some very interesting visuals, I'll give the director that much, but he needs to work on having some worthy material to apply them to or else they're just wasted. Another D or 1/5.
4. The Longest Yard
I'm an Adam Sandler fan. Ever since The Waterboy I've thought all but one of his movies has been at the very least worth watching (the exception being Little Nicky) with the exceptional romantic comedy 50 First Dates being my favourite of the bunch (aside from Punch Drunk Love which isn't what I mean by an "Adam Sandler movie"). But The Longest Yard is almost as bad as Little Nicky and while it doesn't reach that film's lows this is one remake they never should have touched. It's poorly written, rarely all that funny and just never takes flight. An extreme disappointment which, once again, earns just a D or 1/5.
3. Madagascar
What the hell was that?! Those were the words on the tip of my tongue as I left the theatre, wondering exactly where the story was and if anyone could actuallywatch this movie and give a crap for what happened (if anything did indeed happen). There is no story structure beyond a beginning. It's basically: set-up, followed by stuff happening with no real degree of importance, and then it finishes with the unrelated message that its better to eat fish than be a cannibal, because even though every single other animal is able to talk, fish - conveniently - are dumb and so the writers can overcome the idea that the lead character, who is a lion, is eating animals of the same species of his friends. D- or 0.5/5.
2. The Ring Two
This movie is an incomprehensible mess. The first one was one of the finest of its genre and was genuinely scary in places without having to resort to the usual jump-scare cheap thrill rubbish of movies like The Grudge, rather creating its terror through tension and atmosphere. This time you see the shock-moment of the first movie where Samara exits the TV once again... did I say once? I meant at least three times. It's like watching fat Uncle Bob sitting on the couch repeating the same joke that made people laugh originally at every opportunity he gets, unable to grasp the idea that it's only funny the first time. It JUST ISN'T FUCKING SCARY ANYMORE WHEN YOU OVERDO IT YOU LAZY, UNIMAGINATIVE MORONS. Basically, The Ring Two is like making a sequel to Pulp Fiction where they act out the Royale-With-Cheese conversation six times and in which the main plot is driven by the assumption that goats are made of lettuce. That pretty much sums it up. F. 0 out of 5. And it deserves every pixel used to construct that 0.
1. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
I have no idea what this movie was about. All I know is that it was terrible. Really, really terrible. F. 0 out of 5. Worst movie of the year. Possibly ever.
posted by Steve @ 3:48 PM
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