Pre-Sharp See Flat
How I Spent Saturday Night
You'd think Wolfgang Peterson, the man who created the greatest underwater-boat movie of all-time (Das Boot) and a pretty decent big-wave-hits-boat movie (The Perfect Storm) could at least hit the middle ground with a movie about a boat that ends up underwater after getting hit by a big wave and make said movie, well, good. And yet, he brings us Poseidon.
Then again, his last film was Troy so perhaps my hopes were unreasonably high from the get-go.
This movie had everything going for it: Peterson, a big wave hitting stuff, Kurt Russell in what I presumed was an 'action role' and a budget big enough to bring out the best in everything. But alas, all we get is Russell acting his age (old) and 84 minutes (at over $2 million a minute) of ridiculously weak drivel. Presumably little of that cash was spent on development. If you've seen any cheesy big budget Hollywood movie before, you've already seen Poseidon. The father character pulls a sneaky move to sacrifice his own life to save the day instead of his daughter's volunteering fiancee (Willis/Affleck in Armageddon) and the kid survives not only 'against all odds' but against all logic (every movie ever, particularly those by Steven Spielberg). The token black guy dies early, as do the token hispanic characters, while the old gay white guy lives (this was a new one, but will probably be a staple plot element by 2010). And in the most laughable deus ex machina I've seen in years, the survivors jump out into the sea for no good reason instead of staying on the unsubmerged part of the boat until (a) it goes down for good or (b) rescue arrives, only to be bailed out of this remarkably stupid decision by a lifeboat that floats by, having inflated itself and come from nowhere. The ship, remember, is UPSIDE DOWN AND 95% UNDERWATER. Who exactly is supposed to have pumped it up underwater and deployed it so it could float up, right way up, not even bogged down by the water you'd expect to be inside it if you can believe it could have floated to the surface bottom-down anyway.
Other highlights include:
- The barebones character set-up in an act one that lasts for all of 10 minutes and tells us not a single word more than is needed to add some rivalry between the Russell and Josh Lucas characters and establish how various people are related to one another in the hopes that the audiences will consequently care for them (instead it simply exposes the tenuous nature of their coincidentally finding each other).
- The bit where the wave hits and the chaos inside the ship is shown in a tight-angle quick-cut sequence resembling something you'd expect on a shoestring budget without showing anything more than flashing lights and shaky camerwork.
- Fergie dies. I mean the Black Eyes Peas idiot, not the other one. Whoops, I forgot these highlights weren't supposed to be ACTUAL highlights. This part brought a genuine smile to my face after having to sit through her singing for no good reason (seriously) for maybe 3 of the first 10 minutes of the movie. What the hell??? Anyways, yay, dead.
- The best "highlight" of all. The kid runs off for no apparent reason when nobody's looking in one of those "Wait - where's X?" scenes you've scene a million times. The next bit you have to see to believe. It's as though they just lift the dialogue straight from the scene description.
INT. YET ANOTHER RANDOM FLOODED ROOM - NEXT
SCREECHING WOMAN finds OBLIGATORY KID - he is INEXPLICABLY TRAPPED inside SOME CAGE THING for no logical reason. He can not get out.
SCREECHING WOMAN
Ohmygodwtfbbq there you are, or something.
OBLIGATORY KID
(literally says this)
I don't know how I got in here. I can't get out.
You don't know how you got in there? Eh? Neither do the screenwriters, kid, neither do the screenwriters. And that's assuming there WERE actual screenwriters and they didn't just dump actors in rooms of water and film them, which might actually provide at least some clue as to how the abomination that is Poseidon came about. Oh and then after the water appears to drown Obligatory Kid, Josh Lucas (you know, star of the KFC movie and the 'leading man' they hire when no one else will take a role) suddenly emerges having saved him somehow. At this point my eyes rolled around in my head so far they detached from their sockets and began rolling around the floor. Doing that on their own saved me some effort for the next 15 minutes, and as an added bonus it meant I couldn't watch Poseidon anymore.
How I Spent Last Monday
Running short of time before class, so I'll have to cut this briefer than I'd hoped after taking some detailed notes on the night. Last week was the annual 15 Minutes Of Fame festival showcasing the best and presumably worst in student filmmaking from aspiring Aucklland Uni-based directors. I missed Tuesday when something came up and thwarted my plans (damn, missed The Deepest Spoon The Drawer after working on it). From what I did see, only one film actually seemed like it could stand alone as a quality short (content-wise) outside of the context of the competiton (Sunday, which to steal from its synopsis is "a drama involving a man and his son having a psychological battle over a gym workout session). The rest? Some had their moments. One Day Of Kitty was brilliant for all of 2 minutes before the director proved what a fluke it was and that they had no idea what they were onto when the joke went on forever. It needed a sharp chop early on to maintain its randomness, rather than adhere to a distinct, a drawn-out "day in the life" form.
Dennis chipped in with a cool fight-oriented piece called You Broke My Camera! showing, as expected, the rest how editing should be done, which was followed by Jusdice, an "uh-huh" afterthought of a film but more enjoyable for its randomness than the incompetent attempts at serious drama that littered the programme. Well done to Random Screaming Lady for some excellent screaming in Ultra Violent. At least there was one positive about the film.
Overall? I may not have been a very active filmmaker this past year, but the evening told me I hadn't exactly lost any ground for it. Oh and people need to see some films shot in the 70s and stop imitating TV shows, and then if they HAVE TO apply those MTV elements to the root cinematic techniques that underly them, or else you aren't really understanding why you're doing what you're doing. Or at least come up with one storyboard frame somewhere somehow at some point before calling "action." Please. Seriously.
How I'm Spending Tonight
Attending the premiere of Jack Woon's Bollywood feature Be Sharp See Flat. Awesomeness. Looking forward to doing a review tomorrow ;)
Apologies for all the spelling errors, didn't put this through Word first like usual.
You'd think Wolfgang Peterson, the man who created the greatest underwater-boat movie of all-time (Das Boot) and a pretty decent big-wave-hits-boat movie (The Perfect Storm) could at least hit the middle ground with a movie about a boat that ends up underwater after getting hit by a big wave and make said movie, well, good. And yet, he brings us Poseidon.
Then again, his last film was Troy so perhaps my hopes were unreasonably high from the get-go.
This movie had everything going for it: Peterson, a big wave hitting stuff, Kurt Russell in what I presumed was an 'action role' and a budget big enough to bring out the best in everything. But alas, all we get is Russell acting his age (old) and 84 minutes (at over $2 million a minute) of ridiculously weak drivel. Presumably little of that cash was spent on development. If you've seen any cheesy big budget Hollywood movie before, you've already seen Poseidon. The father character pulls a sneaky move to sacrifice his own life to save the day instead of his daughter's volunteering fiancee (Willis/Affleck in Armageddon) and the kid survives not only 'against all odds' but against all logic (every movie ever, particularly those by Steven Spielberg). The token black guy dies early, as do the token hispanic characters, while the old gay white guy lives (this was a new one, but will probably be a staple plot element by 2010). And in the most laughable deus ex machina I've seen in years, the survivors jump out into the sea for no good reason instead of staying on the unsubmerged part of the boat until (a) it goes down for good or (b) rescue arrives, only to be bailed out of this remarkably stupid decision by a lifeboat that floats by, having inflated itself and come from nowhere. The ship, remember, is UPSIDE DOWN AND 95% UNDERWATER. Who exactly is supposed to have pumped it up underwater and deployed it so it could float up, right way up, not even bogged down by the water you'd expect to be inside it if you can believe it could have floated to the surface bottom-down anyway.
Other highlights include:
- The barebones character set-up in an act one that lasts for all of 10 minutes and tells us not a single word more than is needed to add some rivalry between the Russell and Josh Lucas characters and establish how various people are related to one another in the hopes that the audiences will consequently care for them (instead it simply exposes the tenuous nature of their coincidentally finding each other).
- The bit where the wave hits and the chaos inside the ship is shown in a tight-angle quick-cut sequence resembling something you'd expect on a shoestring budget without showing anything more than flashing lights and shaky camerwork.
- Fergie dies. I mean the Black Eyes Peas idiot, not the other one. Whoops, I forgot these highlights weren't supposed to be ACTUAL highlights. This part brought a genuine smile to my face after having to sit through her singing for no good reason (seriously) for maybe 3 of the first 10 minutes of the movie. What the hell??? Anyways, yay, dead.
- The best "highlight" of all. The kid runs off for no apparent reason when nobody's looking in one of those "Wait - where's X?" scenes you've scene a million times. The next bit you have to see to believe. It's as though they just lift the dialogue straight from the scene description.
INT. YET ANOTHER RANDOM FLOODED ROOM - NEXT
SCREECHING WOMAN finds OBLIGATORY KID - he is INEXPLICABLY TRAPPED inside SOME CAGE THING for no logical reason. He can not get out.
SCREECHING WOMAN
Ohmygodwtfbbq there you are, or something.
OBLIGATORY KID
(literally says this)
I don't know how I got in here. I can't get out.
You don't know how you got in there? Eh? Neither do the screenwriters, kid, neither do the screenwriters. And that's assuming there WERE actual screenwriters and they didn't just dump actors in rooms of water and film them, which might actually provide at least some clue as to how the abomination that is Poseidon came about. Oh and then after the water appears to drown Obligatory Kid, Josh Lucas (you know, star of the KFC movie and the 'leading man' they hire when no one else will take a role) suddenly emerges having saved him somehow. At this point my eyes rolled around in my head so far they detached from their sockets and began rolling around the floor. Doing that on their own saved me some effort for the next 15 minutes, and as an added bonus it meant I couldn't watch Poseidon anymore.
How I Spent Last Monday
Running short of time before class, so I'll have to cut this briefer than I'd hoped after taking some detailed notes on the night. Last week was the annual 15 Minutes Of Fame festival showcasing the best and presumably worst in student filmmaking from aspiring Aucklland Uni-based directors. I missed Tuesday when something came up and thwarted my plans (damn, missed The Deepest Spoon The Drawer after working on it). From what I did see, only one film actually seemed like it could stand alone as a quality short (content-wise) outside of the context of the competiton (Sunday, which to steal from its synopsis is "a drama involving a man and his son having a psychological battle over a gym workout session). The rest? Some had their moments. One Day Of Kitty was brilliant for all of 2 minutes before the director proved what a fluke it was and that they had no idea what they were onto when the joke went on forever. It needed a sharp chop early on to maintain its randomness, rather than adhere to a distinct, a drawn-out "day in the life" form.
Dennis chipped in with a cool fight-oriented piece called You Broke My Camera! showing, as expected, the rest how editing should be done, which was followed by Jusdice, an "uh-huh" afterthought of a film but more enjoyable for its randomness than the incompetent attempts at serious drama that littered the programme. Well done to Random Screaming Lady for some excellent screaming in Ultra Violent. At least there was one positive about the film.
Overall? I may not have been a very active filmmaker this past year, but the evening told me I hadn't exactly lost any ground for it. Oh and people need to see some films shot in the 70s and stop imitating TV shows, and then if they HAVE TO apply those MTV elements to the root cinematic techniques that underly them, or else you aren't really understanding why you're doing what you're doing. Or at least come up with one storyboard frame somewhere somehow at some point before calling "action." Please. Seriously.
How I'm Spending Tonight
Attending the premiere of Jack Woon's Bollywood feature Be Sharp See Flat. Awesomeness. Looking forward to doing a review tomorrow ;)
Apologies for all the spelling errors, didn't put this through Word first like usual.
posted by Steve @ 12:11 PM
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